then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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