you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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