Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
