The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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