You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just gargled with NyQuil
Can you repeat that, but with context?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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