just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
