Just fell off a train. Bad.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
