Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize