I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
