the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
What drink are we having for lunch?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
