Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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