Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
