I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
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