Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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