she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
