I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
