I molested 6 butterflies tonight
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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