apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
