so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
