Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
