Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
