I faked an abortion last night.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
