Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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