Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
