He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
