This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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