I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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