I wish I could teleport
Soap is not a condiment
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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