I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
