walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I woke up under a house in Key West
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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