I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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