sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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