Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize