One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
