My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He told me they were just razor bumps!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
