just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
he's gonorrhea incarnate
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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