we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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