I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
