I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
