remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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