his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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