when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
