I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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