i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
