There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
you never un-have a 4some
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
