He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
