i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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