Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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