it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
It's Friday. Sex?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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