this beer tastes like vomit already
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
