I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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