also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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