Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
