there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
