had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
