no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You're like the curious george of whores
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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